An Open Letter to Dell: your customer service is a cruel, morbid joke. Don’t ever call me again.

Update on Friday, March 12, 2010: Dell’s Executive Escalation Team politely responded to my email this morning. They apologized profusely for my inconvenience and offered to call me to have the matter resolved immediately. I appreciated this; and their very speedy response to my reply asking them to continue with the cancellation of my order. Fortunately for them, the quality of their products is inversely proportional to that of their customer service, which inclined me to purchase the same system from Dell New Zealand yesterday (for an extra couple of hundred bucks, thanks).

Dear Dell,

I have an order in your system for a Studio 1557 laptop. The order goes by the number ♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠, but is also known as purchase ID ♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠. It appears to have stalled. I would like to put it out of its misery.

A week ago, I received an email from one of your customer service reps ( telling me that the order was held because you needed to confirm that it was authorized to ship to James Olsen. It is. Take stock for a moment, and ask yourselves why I would request you to ship a two-thousand-dollar plus piece of equipment to someone I don’t know? Jimmy is a friend who lives in the States; I am in New Zealand. He was kindly going to send the laptop over to me from the US, as this would have saved me a couple of hundred bucks. Note carefully my pointed use of the past tense. Since time is money, this plan of mine has failed utterly, following the run-around you guys have successfully given me.

I would like to cancel this order.

If you, Dell, can’t even manage to sell me a laptop without spending a week not replying to my emails, while instead requiring that I call your overseas customer support number (seriously? It’s 2010 now, and you clearly can use email, so why this arbitrary stipulation? I am not calling your number. Reply to my emails like any decent human beings would.) then I have utterly no confidence—nay, I have gross amounts of negative confidence—that you will be able to offer anything except tears, heartache and recriminations should I have a problem with it later in its life.

My customer number is ♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠.

I look forward to never dealing with you again.

Kind regards,
Dominic Bnonn Tennant

PS. I don’t expect any response to this email, as it appears your corporate policy is to never reply to customers via email, even if you initiated the email chain. However, on the off-chance that you can bend this little restriction to confirm that you have indeed canceled my order—well, that would be just swell too.

D Bnonn Tennant
‘The Information Highwayman’

D Bnonn Tennant, ‘The Information Highwayman’, signs his name to this